I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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