I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
