New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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