i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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