the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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