Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
