She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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