Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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