cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
