today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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