i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
