I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
