It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My bed smells like the plague
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
