My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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