Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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