So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
