some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
