yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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