Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
