I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
