Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
