i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
