Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
