I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
im holly from the hills drunk
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
They took my balls.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
