i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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