don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
