the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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