dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
