I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
