Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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