see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
a search helicopter?!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
