I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
