I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
