Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
