I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
