HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
