Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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