Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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