I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
