So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
