dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
