i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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