I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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