Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
