I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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