I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
