Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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