good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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