This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
