just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
