I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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