The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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