Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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