My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
