The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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