hotel room ftw
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Can you bring me the toilet please
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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