I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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